Save Yourself
by Aichihuahua
Summary: "Whatever's happened, it's in the past. One thing I've learned from this nasty business is that whatever it takes to save yourself - you do it." My take on this scene in Kate's POV. Slight Kate/Anderson


AN: This is my first fanficion ever! So if you feel inclined to leave me a review, please go easy on me. I've recently become _**obsessed**_ with the beautiful show Pan Am, and so when I was struck by inspiration when I was re-watching this episode I thought what the heck I should give it a go! Hopefully you like it!

(Pan Am belongs to ABC)

* * *

><p>"Save Yourself"<p>

"Have you ever done something in this job that's haunted you?" Kate asked Bridget with a shaky breath.

The thump that Bolger's limp lifeless body made when he fell to the ground echoed through Kate's mind. She had only just been promoted from courier to actual agent, and even more recently had decided that she wanted out; but just a few days ago she had taken a man's life. And while she only did it to save another, it made her sick thinking that if she had the chance to redo it, she would still pull the trigger. She didn't know how long Bridget had been working as a spy, but if Kate had had such an experience then her fellow stewardess-slash-spy must have been through worse.

With a nod and a far-off look in her eyes, Bridget replied with a simple "Yes." She looked into Kate eyes and added, "And it still does."

The two women sat in silence for a moment while the air seemed to tense around them, both thinking about what the spy business had brought into their lives that weighed them down.

"What's wrong Kate?" Bridget asked with her brows crinkled in worry. Her hands reached out to Kate's and held them comfortingly. Kate wanted to tell her about everything that had happened. About the list of names that included both hers and Niko's. About shooting and killing Bolger to save Anderson. About Anderson lying and claiming that he was the one that pulled the trigger. Oh how she wished she could. But she couldn't.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked," said Bridget. Kate watched as her friend pulled her hands back and retreated back into herself. Bridget's face fell as she looked away from Kate. She sighed, "I suppose this is what it's like being on the outside."

_Being on the outside_. Kate felt both sympathy and annoyance at what the ex-agent had said. She felt sympathy because she knew that once she was finally cut loose, she would miss the excitement and intrigue of spy life. But she also couldn't help but get mad at the situation. Ever since she chose to work with the CIA, she saw her once close relationships with Colette, Maggie, and especially Laura become so strained that they were now almost nonexistent. She missed them. And while she knows Bridget would relate to how isolated she felt from friends and family, she couldn't help but feel completely alone.

Everything I thought I understood about this world has - has been turned upside down," confessed Kate, "If I don't pass the polygraph - I lose everything."

If she can't lie like how Anderson had taught her, she'll end up like Bridget, or worse. She remembers how her friend seemed to have completely disappeared from the face of the earth. But like how Anderson had warned her, she is nothing important to MI6. If they want her gone, they'll get rid of her. She'll be even more alone and afraid than she is now.

Bridget roused Kate out of her thoughts and advised her replacement, "Whatever's happened, it's in the past. One thing I've learned from this nasty business is that whatever it takes to save yourself - you do it."

While Kate appreciated her attempts at helping, she knew that this piece of her past would always haunt her. And because of that, she didn't know if she could save herself. The lie was too large and too heavy to be covered up forever. She couldn't do it. She was terrified.

At that moment, when she felt like she was about to crack and spill everything to her friend, someone caught her eye behind Bridget. It was Anderson asking for a table for one signaling that it was almost time to leave. And instead of igniting even more trepidation, his presence slightly calmed her. Even though Bridget had just informed her that an agent should keep their safety as his or her top priority, Anderson had done all that he could to make sure that she was safe from prosecution. And while she understood that the lie would also protect him, it was his own idea to lie in order to protect her.

Even though the lie was what initially frightened her, now it partially comforted her. She was not entirely alone. She did not have to be afraid. Kate just had to remember that she had someone to rely on; and at the moment, she did not have to save herself by herself.


End file.
